Tears of Joy

There are so many overwhelming thoughts on my mind right now. Today is December 6th, just a short 15 days until my due date. I look back to a year ago and how I would joke about never wanting a Christmas or December baby. (I understand that those thoughts are selfish and horrible. I wouldn’t ever take for granted the opportunity and blessing to be pregnant. I have many-many friends that struggle with getting pregnant and I feel extremely blessed to be expecting, regardless of when the baby comes.)

After the surprise of being 13 weeks pregnant in May immediately following my ectopic was a huge shock to us. We were so excited to be over a month farther along than what was thought to be physically possible. With this shock and excitement also came some sadness. We were beyond thrilled to have our baby even sooner and this year but we quickly realized that with the expecting date of our baby, we’d most likely miss out on Kyle’s wedding.

Now onto the thoughts consuming me right now… If I look back to the most memorable or spiritual experiences I have ever had, one that is always near the top of my memory is Adri’s wedding, specifically her sealing. Adrianne is our little sister (Matt’s by blood, mine by choice!). The entire experience of being in Utah for Adri’s wedding is unforgettable to me. I was able to go a week before Matt and spend quality time with Adri, Dana, and Andrea preparing for the wedding. I am so grateful for the opportunity that I had to attend her first time in the temple, working on her cake, and then of course the big day itself. Two things that stand out most to me for her special day(s) are the blessing that Matt and his brothers gave her prior to getting married and then her actual sealing. It really was such a beautiful and magical experience. Now, if any of you have ever heard me talk about Adri, you know that there are few people in this world that mean as much to me as this girl. Adrianne is one of the most generous and beautiful people inside and out. She is so very tender to my heart and I think the world of her. With this said, I feel very similarly towards Matt’s entire family.

This is why I don’t think I am crazy, while every other single person does, when I say that I would drive to Utah with a newborn to go to Kyle’s wedding. Kyle and I have always been very close. I love him and it kills me inside thinking I could miss his special day. The problem here is that his wedding day is the same exact date as my due date and Tanner has not yet made his arrival. I have gone back and forth many times during my pregnancy on whether I was going to push going to the wedding or not. A lot of it depended on when Tanner was born and obviously if he was doing well. Yesterday, I made my decision that will stay my final decision. It was not an easy choice to make and set in stone but I will not be going to Kyle’s wedding. I know most of you already know this because maybe I never had the option anyway – but for me it is a big deal to admit that I will not be going. Along with that decision, I promise not to bring it up to Matt anymore. I know it isn’t easy for him to miss the wedding either, he is just more realistic than I am. So, even if Tanner is born today and is a healthy two week old in time for the wedding, I will be staying home. I hope and pray that we can find a way for Matt to get there but I am finally at peace (even though I have tears running down my face) that I will not be able to attend.

You see, Kyle understands that I cannot be there and that I would in a heartbeat given the option. He has never expressed frustration or anger towards me. All of the guilt and heartache has been placed upon me by myself. Something that I have had to realize for me is that I am extremely blessed to be having a baby and I need to enjoy it fully. I cannot take away from this experience because I am sad to be missing another. I also have to realize that I have had experiences that others in the family couldn’t be apart of because of their schedules or distance.

For example, my beautiful nephew that was born 3 weeks ago. I was able to visit Bryan, Allie, and Crew in the hospital when I know so many that were heartbroken they couldn’t be there. What a truly amazing moment that was to be apart of too. Crew is such a blessing to all of us and I have been able to enjoy him so much. Bryan and Allie are incredible parents and they have such a beautiful family. I am lucky to have been able to spend so much time with them the past couple of years and specifically the past few weeks. I am so grateful that Crew came two weeks early and is doing well so they can go to Utah. Now everyone gets to meet this little angel and Bryan and Allie will be able to attend Kyle’s wedding.

Through the tears and emotion, I want you to know that I know I am so very blessed. I hope I never came over as ungrateful for the wonderful things happening in my life right now. I wouldn’t trade having my baby for anything and I can assure you that he is probably the only thing that could keep me away from that wedding. I feel like our family as a whole has been so tremendously blessed this year. I am so grateful for all of Matt’s family and what they mean to me. I feel like I have better relationships with every single person in Matt’s family than most do with their own family. I can’t wait until our entire family is all together, maybe for Adri’s baby or Dana’s graduation.

Lastly, I am so grateful this is all happening around Christmas. It has been such a neat experience having these babies due so close to Christmas because it has given me all the more reason to focus on the Savior and increase my gratitude to Him. It also strengthens my gratitude for Mary. How could I have ever complained about having a Christmas baby when I have so much to be grateful for? I cannot even imagine everything Mary went through to bring the Savior into the world. This Christmas season has already been so special to me and my family. I love teaching the girls about the true meaning of Christmas and reading stories with them about Christ. As sad as I am about not being with everyone for the wedding, this will definitely go down as one of my most memorable Christmases ever.

Merry Christmas!

With Love,

Karin